Why didn't [He] Get Married?

Recently, I rented the movie Prince of Persia. The main character in the film, Prince Dastan, was a fearless man who leaps without hesitation from buildings with only the strength of his grip and his excellent sense of timing to keep him safe from sudden death. In fact, the only time he shows any kind of trepidation in the entire movie is when he is confronted with the idea of marriage. In this, I believe art to imitate life perfectly . To put it bluntly, men are just plain afraid of marriage. I think there are quite a few reasons for this fear of commitment. Also, when it comes to Black men, I believe these reasons are simply amplified due to problems in and cultural/"cultural" aspects of our community.

REASON #1 - FEAR OF FAILURE

Since all the other reasons tie into this one, I would be stupid to list anything else first. It seems to me, that while women strive to GET married, men strive to STAY married. That's not to say that women don't want to stay married too; I just think that sometimes we tend to look at the marriage more like a goal/finishing line than a commitment binding a healthy (or not so healthy) relationship to continue supposedly till death. Typically, if men have any reason whatsoever to think that the person they are with is not that long-sought-after "ONE", they will not get married. Men are pickier than women when it comes to who they plan to "have to deal with" for the rest of their lives. While MANY women avoid seeing our men for who they are and tend to secretly (or not so secretly) believe that we can "change" or "mold" a man into something we can co-exist with, men assume that the person he is dealing with now is who she will be, and if there is any change, it will be FOR THE WORST. Only the woman who consistently makes life better/easier for him will even be considered. Actually, I think more of us should adopt their way of thinking as it would lead to less heartache on our end and a lower divorce rate.

REASON #2 - THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH

Soooo...the inevitable happens, and you get married, stay married for two, three, five, fifteen years and get divorced. The courts are set up to help women in divorce. During a divorce, a man has to pay to help maintain a lifestyle for a woman he is gaining no benefit from, and in fact, is probably on bad terms with. As a woman, I tend to remember that he is typically providing this lifestyle for the children, who shouldn't have to suffer because of the divorce.* AND since this is from the female perspective, I have NO PROBLEM quoting the song, "Its Cheaper to Keep Her".

*I believe that there are many good men who remember this as well...and want to take care of their children. But there are also quite a few men who forget about this shit, and experience a kind of emotional disconnection from their children when they get a divorce from their wives.

REASON #3 - THEY DON'T HAVE TO

I almost listed this one first...as this is the one that women tend to think about the most when pressuring delicately broaching the subject of marriage with a man. It is the idea that if you don't insist upon marriage, the man will be more than willing to continue a relationship that IS a marriage, for all intents and purposes, without giving you "your" day and his last name, and thereby risking the aforementioned. The fact that living together is not only accepted but is in some ways more common than marriage gives men very little reason to take that walk down the aisle. Black men who are already struggling or (for some) enjoying their success* have even less incentive when, according to statistics, the trend is for them NOT to get married.

* I will admit; often I have heard unmarried men say that they are waiting for the day when they are financially and emotionally ready for a relationship. Are they being honest with themselves and me when they say this? Who's to say?

REASON #4 - MANY OF THEM DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING

From a female perspective, the benefits of marriage (financial, physical, and emotional/spiritual) are revealed to us damn near since birth. Many times, women are brainwashed trained from girlhood to long for the roles of wife and mother and plan for them as a part of our future. Relatively speaking, a divorced woman is more likely to speak badly about men than about marriage itself. However, from a YOUNG age, many men only hear about marriage itself in a negative light. You don't often hear a man gushing over how wonderful his wife/relationship is, because that is not considered to be masculine. At most, you might hear a man tell his boy enough to reveal that he is happy and there is little to no drama. Especially in the media-driven version of Black culture these days, the image of masculinity is one who is virile and desirable to women, yet flaunts the fact that he is unattached emotionally. In the past, marriage was a GOAL rather than something to be avoided like the plague. These days, the deep benefits of marriage seem to be a secret that only women, married men, and some of the single men raised in two-parent households share.

REASON #5 - THE ONES WHO DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING DO NOT YET FEEL READY TO FULFILL "THE ROLE" (OR CAN'T FIND SOMEONE "TRADITIONAL" ENOUGH TO PLAY THE TRADITIONAL WIFE)

This reason has two problems embedded in it.

One is simple: A good, yet immature man will balk at the level of commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice that marriage entails. He's a good man, so he wants to do it right; but he feels he is not ready for that yet. Perhaps he must grow up on his own; perhaps the right woman will compel that growth in him; who is to say? I think if I knew the answer to this one, I wouldn't be single.

The other is more complex: These days, generally speaking, the role of a husband has shifted, and therefore, can be very confusing. Our pictures of marriages that last forever are OLD pictures, made from seeing what our grandparents and great-grandparents did. Carving out new relationship patterns and gender roles is simply more difficult than trying to find someone to fit into the "successful" one you already have in mind, especially when you are looking to maintain a feeling of control in, and to an extent over the relationship.

Well, these are my reasons, again....more from THIS female's perspective. Ladies, if you have any to add, please do so. Gentlemen, if I got something wrong, feel free to point it out.

Thanks for reading!