What's in a Title?

I am not entirely convinced that I will ever be married. I say this not because I am one of those jaded people who believes that it is pointless to get married in the first place, OR that there are "no good men out there", but because I have a definition of marriage which demonstrates a mix of some seemingly rare old-fashioned values, as well as some relatively unorthodox new age values, especially among Black men.

For some reason, I am still stubbornly holding on to the concept of marrying a Black man...but that is another blog I suppose I will write when/if I finally wave the white flag on the idea. :-/

Anywho, I don't want to be in a 15 year relationship in which I have "shacked up" with a man, had his children, and mingled our credit together, yet I still don't bear his last name (hyphenated or otherwise LMAO...just kidding...probably not hyphenated...I'm not all that attached to my last name).

I still believe marriage to be a legitimate institution, just not the way that most people do it these days, and to a certain extent, not the way that it has been done in the past....That being said, here is a blog response from Myspace on the matter.

A fellow blogger basically asked the question, "Does THE TITLE of "wife" trump "happiness" in importance when it comes to relationships? Would you stay with a man who made you happy, even though you weren't married?"

This was my answer:

The problem (as I see it, IMHO) has to do with the fact that these days THE TITLE doesn't mean what it is supposed to mean. Above and beyond "happiness" THE TITLE is SUPPOSED to imply/indicate a deep, mental, spiritual and emotional commitment...through good times and bad...no matter what we have to wade through, with faith in God, ourselves, and our love:

A. We WILL do it TOGETHER
B. We WILL remain together for the sake of raising a STRONG (BLACK) FAMILY
C. No matter how much we argue, fuss, fight, etc. when it comes down to it, we have each others' backs....

Really, its all about the level of loyalty to your partner, and how much you are willing to stake on that loyalty.

The TITLE is SUPPOSED to indicate a place of importance and respect...a place of honor, for both man and woman. It is a man honoring the woman's wish for STABILITY and SECURITY by "officially" AND legally uniting OURSELVES as well as our efforts, and reputation - credit, family name, all THAT good shit. It is also a MAN taking his place as a man, since many men like the idea of SUBMISSION from the Black female , WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT. Guys typically amen a speaker/blogger on wanting a woman to submit; y'all gotta pay the cost to be the boss, right? Come on now!

*Sidenote: Personally, I like the idea of marriage as PURE partnership itself, indicating total equality....but that's another blog for another day that I have written too many times on Myspace. I am done preaching that particular gospel.*

The trouble comes in when people hop that broom without understanding what THE TITLE means. First, and above all else I have said, it means love (I'm DEFINITELY NOT the Bible thumping mofo around these parts, as there are many things in there I disagree with, but the definition in Corinthians pretty much covers what I mean by that, as far as spiritual principles go). It means an understanding that we will be together through the times when HAPPINESS is running a little low...cause sometimes you gotta work at that shit...and if it never rained, you wouldn't appreciate the sunshine. The kind of love you have to cultivate to stay married is the kind that endures through all...that unconditional shit. I love you...PERIOD.

Now, that is not to say that people can not do this in a long-term, live-in committed, yet unmarried relationship...but that is to say that when you stand before your family, friends, and last but not least GOD and declare as a grown man or woman this is what you will do, this is who you will be, and this is what your relationship is supposed to be about, IT MEANS SOMETHING.

There is a difference between a marriage just plain not working because either or both parties have NO REAL COMMITMENT to each other, and one that is not working due to issues that need to be addressed and compromised on...in my opinion, the divorce rate is so high because people are not always willing to BE that committed in the first place, and they don't always demonstrate an understanding of the fact that being married is a decision you make every day, and you have to WORK at it to keep it going.

I am not just PRO marriage, but I would definitely not say don't worry about marriage if you are happy, because if you are really happy in and committed to that relationship, then that relationship deserves its proper title.

My $ .02