(Cyber) Waves of Fury: The Infamous "Man Cave"

Today, there were two articles that caught my attention on Yahoo Insider. One link was entitled, "Secrets of the Ultra-Fancy Man Cave", and the other was dubbed "The Rise of the Mom Cave".

It seems as though the mere concept of a "mom cave" has whipped men online into a fury, replete with cries of "take back your manhood for your sons!" and "how selfish and petty can you women be?!"

Although I didn't always agree with the way they expressed the sentiment, I, surprisingly even to myself, tend to agree with them.

I have my qualms with "man caves". I don't think that every man should have one by virtue of his dick. I think they should be earned. Man caves should go to the men who take care of business, i.e. they spend enough time with wife and family (sans nagging, bitching, and moaning), and have already provided that cash so his wife can create a space where the family can relax together, as well as entertain friends and visiting relatives. THAT man...has earned a man cave.

Now, the guy sitting on his ass in the family room while the entire household falls apart around him? That guy deserves nothing.

But as for this new phenomenon, the woman cave?

I call bullshit. Bullshit...Bullshit...BULLSHIT!

And this is me...with every feminist bone in my body humming in agreement. Why? Read on!

#1 We Really Do Have the Rest of the House!

I think sometimes women are "so busy fighting that we don't realize when we have won the war". I don't know too many guys ultra hung up on decorating. I have see quite a few houses where I walked in and I had to question whether or not a man lived there. Doesn't this say that the rest of the house, is indeed, firmly in the domain of the feminine? I dunno...perhaps your experience differs from mine.

#2 Man Cave = ZERO Fights Over Sharing Space in the Rest of the House

A man having a man cave means that there is no fighting over what is going to go on the "big tv" in the family room during football season (or whatever your man's choice of sport might be). Take that shit down to the man cave!

You want to watch the marathon of Rocky on Spike TV with no commercial breaks? MAN CAVE!

Poker with the guys? MAN CAVE

New Madden just come out...you guys wanna play it? MAN CAVE

And while he is in the man cave, you have the REST of the damn house, doing whatever the hell you want to do with it! And when he is finished playing with the boys, he will be ready and waiting to play with you!!!

THINK, SISTERS, THINK!

I know what some of my feminist sisters might be saying...what about the aspect of the "cave" being an area of PERSONAL SPACE? That's why you have a SEPARATE BEDROOM.

#3 You Have Your Own Space...It's Wherever You Want it to Be!

The only difference between a "man cave" and a woman's bedroom (or any other area of the house you choose to make distinctly feminine) is a set of automatic guidelines and ground rules for usage. At any point in time, a woman can set those into place without proclaiming the space to be a "woman/mom cave/space", thereby evoking the previously described panic from the man in her life. If you know that you watch "Desperate Housewives" (or The Simpsons lol) and don't want to be disturbed as you watch your damn show, go to the area you have designated (and decorated) as your own, and let that shit be known!

We sometimes don't know the power we have...and in our quest to make everything appear equal on it's face, we can mess up a good thing.

(not that it matters much, but) I say let that man alone, and let his ass have his "man cave". It would probably go a long way towards making him feel as though you respect him as a man, and his right to be a man, and all that shit. Besides...if you make it nice enough...there is NOTHING saying that you can't play a game of Spades or two with your girls while sipping drinks from the bar...when his ass ain't lookin'!

This has been a Smoothie Queen PSA

Why didn't [He] Get Married?

Recently, I rented the movie Prince of Persia. The main character in the film, Prince Dastan, was a fearless man who leaps without hesitation from buildings with only the strength of his grip and his excellent sense of timing to keep him safe from sudden death. In fact, the only time he shows any kind of trepidation in the entire movie is when he is confronted with the idea of marriage. In this, I believe art to imitate life perfectly . To put it bluntly, men are just plain afraid of marriage. I think there are quite a few reasons for this fear of commitment. Also, when it comes to Black men, I believe these reasons are simply amplified due to problems in and cultural/"cultural" aspects of our community.

REASON #1 - FEAR OF FAILURE

Since all the other reasons tie into this one, I would be stupid to list anything else first. It seems to me, that while women strive to GET married, men strive to STAY married. That's not to say that women don't want to stay married too; I just think that sometimes we tend to look at the marriage more like a goal/finishing line than a commitment binding a healthy (or not so healthy) relationship to continue supposedly till death. Typically, if men have any reason whatsoever to think that the person they are with is not that long-sought-after "ONE", they will not get married. Men are pickier than women when it comes to who they plan to "have to deal with" for the rest of their lives. While MANY women avoid seeing our men for who they are and tend to secretly (or not so secretly) believe that we can "change" or "mold" a man into something we can co-exist with, men assume that the person he is dealing with now is who she will be, and if there is any change, it will be FOR THE WORST. Only the woman who consistently makes life better/easier for him will even be considered. Actually, I think more of us should adopt their way of thinking as it would lead to less heartache on our end and a lower divorce rate.

REASON #2 - THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH

Soooo...the inevitable happens, and you get married, stay married for two, three, five, fifteen years and get divorced. The courts are set up to help women in divorce. During a divorce, a man has to pay to help maintain a lifestyle for a woman he is gaining no benefit from, and in fact, is probably on bad terms with. As a woman, I tend to remember that he is typically providing this lifestyle for the children, who shouldn't have to suffer because of the divorce.* AND since this is from the female perspective, I have NO PROBLEM quoting the song, "Its Cheaper to Keep Her".

*I believe that there are many good men who remember this as well...and want to take care of their children. But there are also quite a few men who forget about this shit, and experience a kind of emotional disconnection from their children when they get a divorce from their wives.

REASON #3 - THEY DON'T HAVE TO

I almost listed this one first...as this is the one that women tend to think about the most when pressuring delicately broaching the subject of marriage with a man. It is the idea that if you don't insist upon marriage, the man will be more than willing to continue a relationship that IS a marriage, for all intents and purposes, without giving you "your" day and his last name, and thereby risking the aforementioned. The fact that living together is not only accepted but is in some ways more common than marriage gives men very little reason to take that walk down the aisle. Black men who are already struggling or (for some) enjoying their success* have even less incentive when, according to statistics, the trend is for them NOT to get married.

* I will admit; often I have heard unmarried men say that they are waiting for the day when they are financially and emotionally ready for a relationship. Are they being honest with themselves and me when they say this? Who's to say?

REASON #4 - MANY OF THEM DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING

From a female perspective, the benefits of marriage (financial, physical, and emotional/spiritual) are revealed to us damn near since birth. Many times, women are brainwashed trained from girlhood to long for the roles of wife and mother and plan for them as a part of our future. Relatively speaking, a divorced woman is more likely to speak badly about men than about marriage itself. However, from a YOUNG age, many men only hear about marriage itself in a negative light. You don't often hear a man gushing over how wonderful his wife/relationship is, because that is not considered to be masculine. At most, you might hear a man tell his boy enough to reveal that he is happy and there is little to no drama. Especially in the media-driven version of Black culture these days, the image of masculinity is one who is virile and desirable to women, yet flaunts the fact that he is unattached emotionally. In the past, marriage was a GOAL rather than something to be avoided like the plague. These days, the deep benefits of marriage seem to be a secret that only women, married men, and some of the single men raised in two-parent households share.

REASON #5 - THE ONES WHO DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING DO NOT YET FEEL READY TO FULFILL "THE ROLE" (OR CAN'T FIND SOMEONE "TRADITIONAL" ENOUGH TO PLAY THE TRADITIONAL WIFE)

This reason has two problems embedded in it.

One is simple: A good, yet immature man will balk at the level of commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice that marriage entails. He's a good man, so he wants to do it right; but he feels he is not ready for that yet. Perhaps he must grow up on his own; perhaps the right woman will compel that growth in him; who is to say? I think if I knew the answer to this one, I wouldn't be single.

The other is more complex: These days, generally speaking, the role of a husband has shifted, and therefore, can be very confusing. Our pictures of marriages that last forever are OLD pictures, made from seeing what our grandparents and great-grandparents did. Carving out new relationship patterns and gender roles is simply more difficult than trying to find someone to fit into the "successful" one you already have in mind, especially when you are looking to maintain a feeling of control in, and to an extent over the relationship.

Well, these are my reasons, again....more from THIS female's perspective. Ladies, if you have any to add, please do so. Gentlemen, if I got something wrong, feel free to point it out.

Thanks for reading!

Mind Reader...an excerpt

His hips moved back and forth, rhythmically. The beats his pounding must have been leaving against her walls were intoxicating. Five short hard thrusts, followed by two slow deep ones. We could all smell her arousal building to a climax, and the scent called a response from our own. I touched my pussy, impatient, horny, and pleasantly surprised. It had been awhile since I had wanted sexual stimulation this badly. It was like smelling a meal whose scent was appealing enough to make you hungry when you had already eaten. Sexual aides and masturbation was a part of life. Out of every ten boring, cookie cutter passerby on the street, at least seven of them were engaging in some sort of sexual escapade as they walked to and from their destinations…eyes glazed over, bodies buzzing with pheromones and endorphins, barely taking notice now. Immediate sexual gratification was now like satisfying a craving for nicotine. It’s true that people don’t always know what they want. I remember writing poetry about a reality like this one. Now, I am living my fantasies turned nightmare. The thing about making sexuality a perfectly accepted, normal part of a society is that, taken in the extreme, sex becomes as routine as everything else. So I enjoyed my impatience like the bitter part of a vintage wine…circa 2010, perhaps. Made from plump, juicy, naturally grown grapes somewhere in southern California.
Speaking of which….

His dick was long, thick, and in a word, juicy. I’m not really into the cheesy pornographic descriptions of body parts, but there was really no other way to describe it. On every stroke, his dick seemed like it was even more bursting with veins, even more ready to explode, even harder, even thicker. Frankly, he made me thirsty…quite a feat for a woman who doesn’t swallow. On top of this, his body itself was magnificent, of course. I tried not to think of the 300 pound butch dyke this avi was probably representing, and just focus on what I was looking at. Besides, you could usually tell Big Berthas from men. They were greedy with it. They fucked too hard, and often – actually usually – came too fast. In my youth women always assumed they were the more giving, emotionally in-tune gender. Well, I cry bullshit…at least, when it comes to sex. Big Berthas proved all that foolishness wrong. When you give women real dicks (or at least the feeling of having a real dick), the only thing they ever appear capable of considering during sex is their own nut. I could have told them so. I can’t believe I just paid 10 Ameros to join this fuckfest and I’m wasting my time analyzing the difference between the way men and butch dykes fuck!

Back to the dick you paid for, Michelle.

I watched him fuck the others in line before me in avid fascination. Or as avid as my mind ever gets, anyway. He must be incredible, as no one waits in lines anymore. For anything. Something capable of making several people participate in this ancient, practically pagan act of waiting in line had to be heavenly indeed. And he…was a god. I watched each woman’s face as she seemed to receive exactly what she had been thinking of. This one is biting her lips and grinding harder and harder into his pelvis. He put her on all fours, and savagely entwined his hands in her hair, wrenching her head back, digging into her cervix with every stroke. With the next woman, his movements were so gentle, that they barely appeared to be moving. I wondered for a second if he knew what he was doing as much as I had assumed, but then his barely perceptible stroke appeared to get deeper, and she cried out as a long stream of cum ran down their legs. She held onto him with her waning strength, her nails digging into his shoulder. He kissed her on the forehead and rolled his weight off her. She remained on the round surface as it rolled away. Before the silent door closed, I could see the bouncers pull her into the recovery room. Ahh, five star service.

I looked back in time to do a double take, as he spat in a girl’s mouth, pulled her up by her throat to kiss her, then grasped the back of her head, pushing it down to ram her waiting, drooling mouth onto his dick. She moaned in pleasure while sucking a huge load from him. All the while, he stared into her eyes as he said the most unspeakable things to her. It was hard to believe that I was watching the same man fuck all of these different women. Hard to fathom that one man could be capable of so many different styles. Part of it was that I wasn’t sure how he was determining how to approach these women sexually.

The one he had treated so gently, I would have mistaken for dominatrix. Covered with leather, stiletto boots, all she appeared to be missing was the whip. The one whose hair he had pulled with such ferocity and abandon seemed like an everything-in-its-place housewife. The one who he had berated as she sucked him off was dressed as a high power executive…complete with the designer pantsuit and shoes and the premier salon spray starched helmet of shiny, glossy hair.

Out of all of these women, I tried to pick out what he liked so that I could leave an impression. But there was no evidence of that at all. Each time, he was totally focused on giving what each woman appeared to want the most, if their reactions were to be believed, that is. I started to fantasize that I would change all that. With me, I would be the one paying attention to giving him exactly what he wanted. The secret, or not so secret desire to be the best someone has ever had seems to be something these over-stimulated youths have evolved out of. But, in this new world my world had turned into, old habits still die hard.

To be continued...(but probably not here)

On Turning 30 2: Love for Love's Sake

In college, philosophy was a required course. As the class progressed, we learned the basic tenets of several philospical viewpoints, among which was Buddhism. At the time, this particular viewpoint made no sense to me. The BASIC of the BASIC...Noble Truths that is...says -

THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS:

All is suffering (dukkha).
Suffering is caused by desire/attachment.
If one can eliminate desire/attachment, one can eliminate suffering.
The Noble Eight-fold Path can eliminate desire. Extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification should be avoided.

- The more accurate, yet complex version can be found here.

LOL...I remember sitting in that classroom at the ripe old age of 18 () thinking that this idea had to be the craziest I had ever run across. Hormones raging, still buzzed from my first taste of freedom, and you mean to tell me that you think DESIRE is the root of all suffering? Really? Didn't make sense AT ALL. My classmates and I were however quite fascinated with the ideas found in Hedonism.

Back in class my main question had to do with LOVE...how is one supposed to LOVE under such a philosophy as Buddhism? It seemed to me that desire and attachment had to be part of the package.

Makes sense right?

I desire another person, and hopefully, he desires me the same way...
I open myself to another person to the point where he can affect my emotions, and consider myself wise to have done so if he affects them positively and I can affect his the same way...
The relationship is good; I hope things will stay this way/I hope things will last....

Yet, even at its best, these are bound to end in disappointment:

Either the person will walk away physically, or he/she will walk away spiritually "into the clearing where his/her path ends" doya kennit? (Sorry too much Stephen King. Join me if you dare )

What I am just beginning to understand is that these attitudes demonstrate a DESIRE to control the circumstances of one's love life...and an ATTACHMENT to the way things are (or in some cases, how we THINK they are).

As YET AGAIN I semi-obsessively think of my recent past, I realize that when love goes wrong, it is not the person I miss so much...hell...if it was so great...it would still be going on.

And even when the next one of quality and substance is annoyingly slow to arrive, there are always distractions...of many varieties. <~ Yeah, I suppose Hedonism still has its uses...

As Nazty would say, BIG ASS BUT...

A. In the end, they are just that - DISTRACTions and....
B. The underlying cause of PAIN is still there...distraction or not.

It is the pain caused by DESIRE...and ATTACHMENT.

It is pain caused by an aversion to CHANGE...

And dammit, it is the pain caused by a lack of CONTROL.

(I think what annoys me now the most is knowing that it doesn't matter to an ex whether or not you ever talk to him/her again...going from extreme relevance to total irrelevance is absolutely infuriating! But what can you do? Change happens, ya know? )


Pure love...the love I should be seeking to cultivate is one that is aware of the REALITY that these changes will occur, yet is strong enough not to care. The fact that this change is inevitable is not to be taken personally...only as a matter of traversing the terrain of life. Easy to THINK you have mastered (believe me...at one point in time I thought I was there...) Harder to ACTUALLY get.

Love for love's sake is the key...and though I have NO inclination whatsoever to become a Buddhist, at least now nearing 30, I finally understand how one can love.

Sonnet 14 - If Thou Must Love Me, Let It Be For Nought

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love’s sake only. Do not say
‘I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day’—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity’s wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love’s sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.




You can say that again, Liz. 

On Turning 30....Part 1

Sooo, on July 5, 2010, at exactly 2:00 a.m., I will have officially been on this planet 30 years....in this lifetime, anyway. There are things that I have figured out, and things that I am still processing...but this blog series is not about that. This series is about the shit that I KNOW. Its not a fount of knowledge; just my personal truths... How things are...as I see them. Differ if you like, comment if you want...or not. Hell, so far, only one person reads this shit, and he will probably disagree with most of it. LMAO

But hey....it is what it is.

That being said, here is

The Dirty 30: Part 1 - LIES

There is a plethora of knowledge that is shared by the infamous and all-knowing "THEY". The knowledge from this "THEY" permeates every facet of our society, encouraging group thought, and discouraging, through sheer arrogance, the idea that the School of Hard Knocks is a GOOD THING...in essence, discouraging us to, as Zora puts it in my favorite book, Their Eyes Were Watching God, "find out about living for [ourselves]." Well, anyone who knows me knows that I am SERIOUSLY stubborn and SERIOUSLY hard-headed, so....I went down to that School of Hard Knocks and got myself a diploma in a few subjects - one of which is -

FAMOUS LIES THAT TURNED OUT TO BE
UTTER BULLSHIT!!!

1. Always be honest in long term relationships.
This is that bullshit! Now, don't get me wrong; your partner should be able to TRUST you...to KNOW that you have his/her best interests at heart in all matters. But, by NO stretch of the imagination should "honesty be the best policy" when you are in a relationship...at least, not if you want to stay in one for long. Look around...the young folks are shaking their heads at how "jaded" and "untrustworthy" I sound; the old folks are nodding in agreement. I will take my (platinum) membership card in the club of grown ass fuckin woman now, thank you very much! And you young mufukas...keep livin dammit!

2. If you make you passion your job, you will never work a day in your life.

Poppycock! No matter what you do, no matter how much you LOVE what you do, WORK IS WORK, and PLAY IS PLAY. Now, if you choose what you LOVE to do as your job, you will never just DRAG yourself to work wishing that a bus would run your ass over right before crossing the threshhold into your building, but WORK IS WORK IS WORK, and there is no way around that shit. WORK HARD, PLAY HARD, LIVE WELL, NO REGRETS (but not really; there are always a few) and that is LIFE.

3. The only constant in life is change.
Who comes up with this garbage? Yeah, things in life change...but the BIG changes...the ones you WANT to happen, the ones in yourself...towards your goals and dreams, you have to MAKE happen. Outside of factors beyond your control, you can CHOOSE to live the same damn weeks, months, and years for the rest of your life...if you CHOOSE not to KEEP THAT SHIT MOVING! The only thing is: 1. While you are sitting/standing still people around you will be moving, and 2. Every once in awhile, something/someone will come along and move your cheese.


4. There is someone for everyone.
It pains me to type that one more than the reader of this blog could ever know...more than you, dear eventual reader (if you are even out there) could ever possibly fathom. I see people doing all kinds of things out of desperation and lonliness...bitterness and fatigue with being trapped inside the den of their own unshared, unmoved emotions far too long ALL THE TIME. THESE LOST SOULS ARE EVERY WHERE. In fact, it is my personal opinion that they cause the most misery in the world...they comprise most of the world's "hater" population. Where is the person for them? Where is the person for me?

I am sure that this shit is rather long, but it will become longer still...the next time I run into a lie that "THEY" say; I might be back...or not.

Thanks for reading...whoever you are.

What's in a Title?

I am not entirely convinced that I will ever be married. I say this not because I am one of those jaded people who believes that it is pointless to get married in the first place, OR that there are "no good men out there", but because I have a definition of marriage which demonstrates a mix of some seemingly rare old-fashioned values, as well as some relatively unorthodox new age values, especially among Black men.

For some reason, I am still stubbornly holding on to the concept of marrying a Black man...but that is another blog I suppose I will write when/if I finally wave the white flag on the idea. :-/

Anywho, I don't want to be in a 15 year relationship in which I have "shacked up" with a man, had his children, and mingled our credit together, yet I still don't bear his last name (hyphenated or otherwise LMAO...just kidding...probably not hyphenated...I'm not all that attached to my last name).

I still believe marriage to be a legitimate institution, just not the way that most people do it these days, and to a certain extent, not the way that it has been done in the past....That being said, here is a blog response from Myspace on the matter.

A fellow blogger basically asked the question, "Does THE TITLE of "wife" trump "happiness" in importance when it comes to relationships? Would you stay with a man who made you happy, even though you weren't married?"

This was my answer:

The problem (as I see it, IMHO) has to do with the fact that these days THE TITLE doesn't mean what it is supposed to mean. Above and beyond "happiness" THE TITLE is SUPPOSED to imply/indicate a deep, mental, spiritual and emotional commitment...through good times and bad...no matter what we have to wade through, with faith in God, ourselves, and our love:

A. We WILL do it TOGETHER
B. We WILL remain together for the sake of raising a STRONG (BLACK) FAMILY
C. No matter how much we argue, fuss, fight, etc. when it comes down to it, we have each others' backs....

Really, its all about the level of loyalty to your partner, and how much you are willing to stake on that loyalty.

The TITLE is SUPPOSED to indicate a place of importance and respect...a place of honor, for both man and woman. It is a man honoring the woman's wish for STABILITY and SECURITY by "officially" AND legally uniting OURSELVES as well as our efforts, and reputation - credit, family name, all THAT good shit. It is also a MAN taking his place as a man, since many men like the idea of SUBMISSION from the Black female , WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT. Guys typically amen a speaker/blogger on wanting a woman to submit; y'all gotta pay the cost to be the boss, right? Come on now!

*Sidenote: Personally, I like the idea of marriage as PURE partnership itself, indicating total equality....but that's another blog for another day that I have written too many times on Myspace. I am done preaching that particular gospel.*

The trouble comes in when people hop that broom without understanding what THE TITLE means. First, and above all else I have said, it means love (I'm DEFINITELY NOT the Bible thumping mofo around these parts, as there are many things in there I disagree with, but the definition in Corinthians pretty much covers what I mean by that, as far as spiritual principles go). It means an understanding that we will be together through the times when HAPPINESS is running a little low...cause sometimes you gotta work at that shit...and if it never rained, you wouldn't appreciate the sunshine. The kind of love you have to cultivate to stay married is the kind that endures through all...that unconditional shit. I love you...PERIOD.

Now, that is not to say that people can not do this in a long-term, live-in committed, yet unmarried relationship...but that is to say that when you stand before your family, friends, and last but not least GOD and declare as a grown man or woman this is what you will do, this is who you will be, and this is what your relationship is supposed to be about, IT MEANS SOMETHING.

There is a difference between a marriage just plain not working because either or both parties have NO REAL COMMITMENT to each other, and one that is not working due to issues that need to be addressed and compromised on...in my opinion, the divorce rate is so high because people are not always willing to BE that committed in the first place, and they don't always demonstrate an understanding of the fact that being married is a decision you make every day, and you have to WORK at it to keep it going.

I am not just PRO marriage, but I would definitely not say don't worry about marriage if you are happy, because if you are really happy in and committed to that relationship, then that relationship deserves its proper title.

My $ .02

Rubik's Cube

I guess I haven't had enough with my trip down memory lane yet. LOL

This is some EXCELLENT advice from an old friend. Enjoy......

Remember when two of the most popular games on Earth were tests of your intelligence? Tetris and Rubik's cube. I've always dominated Tetris like Putin rocks the Kremlin. I'm that good, but up until now I've never figured out that infernal cube. Until now. Amaze your friends with this one:

How to solve a Rubik's cube in world record time.

These are painless, easy steps, and you will impress everyone to no end.

Step 1: Purchase cube.

Step 2: Take home.

Step 3: Take out of wrapper.

Step 4: Set on desk.

Step 5: Tell passers by that you have solved the cube, for evidence, hold up the cube and show them.

That's the trick of it all. If you can exert enough self discipline to not touch the cube, you have solved it. It comes solved.

This cube is a metaphor for life.

Or an instruction manual.

If you have the required discipine not to fuck the cube up, you have solved it. The cube only gets as fucked up as you make it. It comes to you in a state of perfect being, and all you ever do is undo the mistakes you have put into it.

You win the game by undoing your own mistakes.

Are you listening to me? Is this clear enough to all of you?

To recap, the cube is you.

You come into life perfect in every way.

The only one who screws it up is you.

The game is to undo your own mistakes to get back to a state of perfection.

If you have the discipline to never fuck it up in the first place, you are the smartest man alive. And the Ska Brothers will vouch for you.

If you ever repost or resend one of my blogs to people, this is the one.

-- Johnny Ska, of the Ska Brothers

Cheers, to fixing mistakes, and not fucking up the cube ;-)

Petals and Thorns - In the Classroom

As this school year draws to a close, I find it harder to live in the moment. My mind is already looking forward to a summer of planning...figuring out what worked, throwing away what didn't, getting organized, etc.

For the most part, my students love me....and that is almost a problem. I say almost because I would prefer that they hate me but say, "We sure did learn a lot though."

Or....maybe not.

I have had several students speak to me in confidence...about what? Well I won't say...that's confidence, ya know?

But the teachers they hated would never have been approached with the kinds of personal problems that change an individual's outlook on the world. If everyone is the super teacher that kids hate, who is going to be the one they feel that they can talk to? And with what they are going through, TRUST they need to talk to someone.

These days, its all about striking a balance. More than ever, next year, I am determined to BE the rose...sweet enough to make you smile, with thorns enough to demand respect and care when dealing with me. But what I honestly want is more than that. I am not deluded enough to think that I will turn out 180 self-reliant, respectful, intrinsically motivated individuals damn near ready for college after 166 days of instruction....but I can do better than I did in working towards that lofty goal this year.

LOL....my kids are spoiled. They are still asking me or classmates to define words (sometimes with a computer in front of them) rather than finding out for themselves. They will ask me a question in class RIGHT after I have answered it in instructions. This simply won't do.

Yet, some of them will have amazing insights into literature and relationships that they weren't having when they came to me...at least not at first. I can see where they have grown, but it isn't enough for me to feel comfortable with them going on. However, the year is over. My time with them is done. Whatever they didn't get from me, I will have to trust the next teacher(s) to give them...and them to reach out and grab it for themselves. Some of them I hate to see step into someone's college the way they are now...but all I can do is trust in next year's growth, maturity, their personal drive and their educators to finish the job.

I hope they never give me seniors...at least, not until I feel that I am ready for them. I would hate to be the last stop on their trip to "The Real World" (the REAL real world...not that bullshit on MTV. More like The Cosby Show spin-off...A Different World)

So, fair reader, this is me, fine-tuning the recipe.

A Great Teacher Has/Demonstrates/Uses.....

1. Open-mindedness balanced with demand for respect
2. Relevancy to draw students into content balanced with a demand that they DO learn the content.
3. Attitude which invites students to think, while making it impossible to pass if they don't (I think I might ALMOST have this one down :-) )
4. A "hard as nails" demeanor balanced with an approachable attitude...DON'T mess with me, but you CAN talk to me (again...getting there)
5. Professionalism balanced with an attitude that makes students aware that they can relate their teacher (almost)
6. A disciplined classroom balanced with allowance for freedom and free thought (getting there)
7. Rigor in instruction balanced with ease of comprehension for students

I suppose I will revisit this next year - if I am still here - to add to this list and update my progress.

If you don't teach, I doubt you will even understand what I am saying or why I am saying it. Just know that if you think about your BEST teachers as people and instructors, you might find that they mastered this delicate balance between the petals and thorns in education.

Over Analysis vs. Use of Common Sense

Analysis -

The examination and evaluation of the relevant information to select the best course of action from among various alternatives.

Common Sense -

Sound and prudent judgment based on a simple perception of the situation or facts


Just as there is a thin line between love and hate, there is a thin line between over-analyzing a person's actions (and therefore reading things into it that aren't indicated at all) and using one's common sense to determine the underlying meaning of and feelings that prompt those actions.

As a growing and flawed woman, I feel that I am often prone to over-analyze, particular when I am in a relationship.

It NEVER turns out good.

I have been most guilty of this behavior when things start getting rocky in a relationship...OR when things change in the relationship. <~ Because of my bad habit, often these two situations turn out to be one and the same, although they don't have to be.


HOWEVER

There comes a point in time when a person's repeated actions can equal only one conclusion about their feelings about a given individual and/or situation, no matter how much they claim you are over-analyzing those actions. Also, if those actions are harmful to or disrespectful of you, no matter what feelings they indicate, they can no longer be seen as acceptable forms of interaction.


A "friendship" with a recent ex has got to be the most interesting scenario for this dynamic to play out.


On one hand, you have one or two people acting from places of pain, rejection, and resentment, regardless of the feelings they may or may not still have for one another. Even the possibility of these feelings makes you want to stick it out...try...hang on to what you had (or the obvious lies about what you didn't have) for just a little while longer.....

On the other hand, you have one or two people simply not willing to cut their losses and walk away from the situation...because of the aforementioned feelings...or pride, or some subconcious sado-masochistic desire to hurt or to be hurt by a person they were deeply connected to.

Very confusing.

I've learned a lot about myself and my former partner in the past three months. As always, hindsight is 20/20, and each failed situation gives me foresight for the next go around (or so I hope).

These days, I often wonder how it can feel like I have a better idea of who a person was that I dated for less than six months than I have of a person I was with for almost three years.


Life is funny like that, but in the end, I think its all about communication.



My list of favorite things includes ex-boyfriends because of lessons like these (and the fact that some of them turn out to be pretty awesome...after awhile).


But suffice it to say the following:

1. Friends act like friends...even when it hurts. Even when it means walking way. :-)



2. Enemies act like enemies, and "friends" acting like enemies are enemies.



3. In this life, you have to look out for Number 1, because no one else is going to do it for you.

If I am over-analyzing, so be it. I call bullshit.

Sometimes, analysis, or even over-analysis has got to be equal to or greater than "common sense".

F*CK YOUR STUDY FOOL! TIME'S UP FOR TIME-OUTS!!!

TIME'S UP FOR TIME-OUTS:

A Public Service Announcement

by SNSakaPurpleRose

(c)2010 (lmao)

This week, there was a study published whose results provide "the strongest evidence yet" against spanking. You know what? I work with the little hell cats every day. I can always tell which children get spanked....and which ones don't.

At my school, the kids who get spanked will go there with you, but as soooooon as you mention "calling home" their asses get in line...and they stay that way. They understand that if they don't do the classwork according to the requirements...the specifications of the assignments...AND ON TIME...they will fail.

IN SHORT, THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO THEIR ACTIONS.

The kids who don't get spanked will go there with you, and when you mention calling home, they say, "I don't care; call her ass. I ain't scared of my ma."

When all you do is talk to your children...put them in time out after they talk to you any kind of way...THEY DO NOT RESPECT YOU.

They want an "A" for turning in CRAP.

They want credit for coming to class at all (as they are supposed to).

They talk back to their teachers, the administrators at the school, and other children tend to dislike them as well...because they have no respect.

Instead, they have a sense of entitlement that will get them NOWHERE FAST in this world...not when they go to college...not when they get into the work force, and DAMN SURE (if they are Black) not when dealing with the Po-Po's.

THAT FACT, THAT DIFFERENCE, plus generations of folks who have turned out JUST fine, excelled in their various fields and pursuits, and have gone on to raise beautiful families of their own provide all of the "hard data" I need. When I have them, my kids are going to GET THAT ASS WHUPPED!

For the jackasses who conducted the study (who obviously picked some folks spanking with no routine, expectations, and conversation/instruction before and/or after the spanking), here are some basic rules:

Rule 1

Let your child know the rules and expectations. That way, when you beat their ass, they will have some idea of why.

Rule 2

Calm down and rest up before the beating. Take your time. Let the child build the beating up in his/her mind. Let them THINK about why they are getting it in the first place. Don't do it when angry. The excess energy is good (so you don't get tuckered out halfway through it); the failure to let the kid know what they did wrong FOR SURE is bad.

Rule 3

Explain what the child has done wrong. Let the child know which rules and expectations he/she has violated. Also, while you are at it, let them know that in a million years, he or she will NEVER be smart enough to really get one over on you. Personally, at a young age...the whole choose the belt thing is what I would do....then, when they get to be older and more sneaky, I suggest letting them come in...Make them think they got away with it. Then, when they got out of their clothes for bed........proceed to the shining.

~THE BEATING INSTRUCTIONS~

Now that you understand how to do this while getting the child "to understand what and why they have done something wrong", let's proceed to the beating itself.

Step 1. The Hold

For younger children, grasp the child firmly (being careful not to leave marks on the arm.) Older children should have learned to stand still during punishment, because running only makes it worse.

Step 2. The Stance

Turn the child so the buttocks is facing you. You want as much contact between the buttocks and belt as possible.

Step 3. The BELT/PADDLE

Choose the right object to whup the child with. A bigger belt is good; anything that is firm enough to make an impact AND noise helps. (In smaller children, many times the noise is more effective than the pain inflicted by the belt.) For boys between 12-14 (past that point the beating by a mother is fairly pointless), I suggest Mr. Happy (the same paddle as pictured above, just with holes drilled in order to provide a greater impact by decreasing the "cushioning effect of air" - Source)

Step 4. The WORDS

The words are very important. The words should reinforce the expectations laid out in Rule 1 and the conversation that was held in Rule 3. However, they should be short and simple enough to be spoken between wacks with the belt, or Mr. Happy.

*Beating Script Example*

DIDN'T *smack*...I *smack*...TELL *smack* YO BEHIND/ASS *smack, smack* not *smack* to *smack* ________________________________ *insert name of offense here, with smacks to the ass intermittently depending on age, severity of offense, number of repeat offenses, and level of remorse (genuine, not crocodile tears) here*...NOW GO LAY YO ASS/BEHIND DOWN. AND STOP CRYING, 'FORE I GIVE YA SOMETHIN' TO CRY ABOUT!

Simple.

Now, I don't know who these retarded fucktads are who can't figure out how to beat someone properly, but I suggest they instruct the parents in their little study and try that shat again....cause NOW is NOT the time to stop whuppin children. Parents have to pack a bigger emotional punch than peer pressure. It's war. Your children are at stake. Are you really going count on time out to raise the kind of kid who won't get in a car with a drunk driver or sneak out to that party at the hotel with the 21-year-olds while you think she is at a girlfriend's house and they've gone to Chuck E. Cheese?

I didn't think so.

Remember batter up; it's all in the wrist.

Here is a video, for your viewing pleasure....

Why you should beat your kids

Kyle | MySpace Video

A Time to Kill

For some reason, despite the numerous situations in which people respect the reality of grays in moral behavior these days, one area that seems to make many uncomfortable is that of a LOGICAL death. For some reason, people don't realize that there are lines in life that we don't cross, and if we do cross those lines, we should expect there to be some violent, and sometimes tragic repercussions. The movie A Time to Kill (1996) illustrates this point in graphic detail.

Call me crazy, but I am of the firm belief that any man who uses his physical strength to physically harm a female (especially in a sexual way) should not be surprised if he is introduced to death personally. It is only understandable for her father, brothers, cousins, and/or any other male in her family/life charged with her protection and safety to handle the situation.

Understand, I do not feel that it is the STATE'S place to do this. I think it should be a family matter.

I love all seven of my uncles dearly, but if one of them raped a woman, this applies to them as well.

I have twelve male cousins. If one of them raped a woman, I would not stand up for him if the family of the victim came to deal with him. I am damned sure not risking my life to prevent the logical consequence of their behavior.

What about Anarchy?

As a society, Americans, particularly the middle class, rely too much on a corrupt judicial system to maintain order in our towns. We are too comfortable letting the cops "handle it" or not...based on their expertise, dedication, and your relative importance as a citizen to the overall system.

There is something about a man using his strength to hurt a female that simply enrages me. For me, that is one definite "Time to Kill" moment. Post-rape is not the only time to kill for me, but it is the first one that comes to mind.

Other time to kill moments:

1. Kidnapping of one's wife or children - Kidnapper deserves to get it.
2. Getting caught in the act of adultery with another person in the bed you and your spouse share. - Honestly, the spouse shouldn't be surprised to get it; the lover can get it too if he/she knew what was up.
3. During the robbery of a home - You knew you were violating someone's sanctuary; if someone shoots you in the face for breaking into their shit and potentially harming their loved ones, don't get that "dick look" on your face when the bullet hits home.

What about our lack of standing to make decisions on whether or not another person deserves to die in our "humanism"? AKA "What about God/Forgiveness/Grace, etc...?"

I know many of you, particularly Christians, don't believe that human beings can make the call that others deserve to die. I don't even want to touch on the hypocrisy of the concept, given the long and gory history of this particular religion; this blog is already tooo damn long. But suffice it to say that:

1. Even in your Bible, there is such a thing as "A Time to Kill"...go fig, right?

2. I find it hilarious that the prescribed consequence of RAPE in that same Bible is for the father to GIVE THE RAPED DAUGHTER OVER TO THE RAPIST IN EXCHANGE FOR A CASH PAYMENT.

DON'T BELIEVE ME? LOOK IT UP YOURSELVES BY FOLLOWING THE LINKS.

As they say, "Selah" - pause, and think on that.

I could go on, but that is all....Simply put:

We know where the lines are folks. Don't cross em, and if you do, well....Don't Act Brand New!!!

Easter Blog - Transfer from The Space

First things first, folks!!!

This past week, I have heard the question posed several times:

What the hell do the Easter Bunny and egg hunts have to do with the "REAL" meaning of Easter
(the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ)????

My first thought was that it must have had to do with traditional symbols of fertility and renewal/rebirth. In fact, when they mentioned it in the hair salon the first time, my first response was that the rabbits must have come in because of how much they like to have sex.

I wasn't joking, but I really had no clue just how close my answer was/is to the actual truth of the matter...without having read up on it....just based on what I know about religion and history, and what I felt when I walked outside...you know, that feeling you get the first day when your mind, body and soul all recognize that Springtime has come round again.





Much respect to artist Connie Tom.


Soooooo for those of you who have been asking about the connection between the flowers, the eggs, the bunny, and Jesus, here is this enlightening article.

How's the Easter Bunny connected to Easter?
Egg-delivering rabbit's origins traced back to 13th century

By Lauren Effron

Discovery Channel

updated 10:47 a.m. CT, Fri., April 2, 2010

There's no story in the Bible about a long-eared, cotton-tailed creature known as the Easter Bunny. Neither is there a passage about young children painting eggs or hunting for baskets overflowing with scrumptious Easter goodies.

And real rabbits certainly don't lay eggs.

So why are these traditions so ingrained in Easter Sunday? And what do they have to do with the resurrection of Jesus?

Well, nothing.

Bunnies, eggs, Easter gifts and fluffy, yellow chicks in gardening hats all stem from pagan roots. They were incorporated into the celebration of Easter separately from the Christian tradition of honoring the day Jesus Christ rose from the dead.

According to University of Florida's Center for Children's Literature and Culture, the origin of the celebration — and the Easter bunny — can be traced back to 13th century, pre-Christian Germany, when people worshiped several gods and goddesses. The Teutonic deity Eostra was the goddess of spring and fertility, and feasts were held in her honor on the Vernal Equinox. Her symbol was the rabbit because of the animal’s high reproduction rate.*

Read the rest of the article here. *emphasis added

I am not sure how many times the answer has to link back to "pagan religions" for people to realize that the way that we relate and connect to our planet, i.e. the changing seasons and the spiritual principles reflected in that physical reality is constantly growing and evolving...and in the way we do it today, it is somewhat lopsided and incomplete. It may be a bold statement to make (especially on Easter Sunday itself with the current meaning it holds for many Christians), but any celebration of an Easter Resurrection that doesn't acknowledge the rebirth and renewal of the planet and all living things on it...that doesn't celebrate divinely feminine principles of fertility and the lush sexuality in the air would be incomplete. There is a reason (outside of simple commercialism) that we hold fast to these so-called "pagan" traditions. In celebrating an Easter with primarily male connections alongside the feminine counterpart, we honor a certain balance that is evident all around us. Spring, the time when plants come alive, revealing their sexual organs again, seducing each other without saying a word, (all for our viewing and sniffing pleasure ) is something that affects all of us in evident, and not so evident ways.

Sooooo...enjoy your church services, and celebrate the idea of rebirth, renewal, and resurrection in a masculine form....and take the time to sniff a rose, lily, tulip or two, give away some chocolate, and appreciate the viral quality in a rabbit, for those parts definitely have their place as well.

Again, Happy Easter,

SNS aka Purple Rose

About Me.....

LOL...I have no idea what I want to tell the readers who eventually may or may not find their way to this particular blog................................................................................okay, I got it.

1. I am a work in progress, as are we all.

2. I am a spiritual person, but not religious. I believe in spiritual principles more than I believe in the idea that there is one RIGHT religion, one RIGHT way to worship God or even one RIGHT name for God. If this offends you, I am sorry; it is simply my belief system.

3. I am sensual, sexual, AND have respect for myself. If something I say here indicates to you that I don't; you are wrong, but entitled to your own opinion (as am I).

I post "blogs" with my opinion on issues, as well as fictional pieces. I would love constructive criticism on anything I post, but don't appreciate plagiarism.