Feminists vs. Twi-Hards - Can't We All Just Get Along?

This quarter, it is time once again for the annual torture session in futility and laziness to teach the standard MLA style critical analysis and research paper. For a few years now, I have longed to bring popular interest literature into the classroom, thereby increasing both my students' pleasure in reading and writing their papers, and decreasing my frustration in grading their work. In that regard, this year, I toyed once again with the idea of allowing students to write their papers on the work of Stephenie Myer and my personal all time favorite, Stephen King. (And yes, the idea of allowing Zane, while insane, has crossed my mind; it is ludicrous, but if it were possible, I'll bet I would have 100% participation from all girls at my school lmao!)

Anywho, so I'm looking for sources online because, well, if I can't find literary criticism of Twilight outside of the blog-o-verse, I can't very well send them on the search for the proverbial needle in a haystack....and lo and behold, there is a veritable anti-Twilight circus going on in the world of feminist bloggers! I suppose I should have foreseen this; Twilight positively reeks of sappy, overly-sentimental dependency and fictionalized over the top romantic idealism, but DAMN!

These folks are really going for it!

And I have to admit that some of the things they take issue with are damn good points, that is, until you factor in a healthy understanding of what happens in the overall saga, instead of using PARTS of individual novels to prove points and nitpick:

For example,

• Edward DOES control Bella...he damn near turns over-bearing parent to Bella's rebellious teen...(which is resolved when Bella stands up for herself, Edward apologizes, and they create the most UNREALISTIC entanglement of relationships I have ever seen...)
• Edward sneaking into her bedroom unannounced and uninvited is...well...pretty damn creepy...(no excuse on that one, Stephanie; you dropped the ball there)
• Bella DOES lean on, and even USE Jacob to get over the break up with Edward, and her catatonic state is ridiculous, yet no more ridiculous than the sentiments expressed in W. H. Auden's "Stop All the Clocks" (yet it what I WISHED I could do as a teenager, getting over a first love...and how many girls have never done that? Really? Some poor guy is in the friend zone with you who would be perfect for you, but you are too messed up over what's-his-name to take the chance at love again. Right or wrong, it is realistic, and promotes discussion and reflection...and one reason why there is a whole team Edward/Jacob phenomenon going on)
• Bella DOES take care of her father, spending time cooking and cleaning while he "drinks beer and cleans his guns", which is INFURIATING...(until you realize that Bella took care of her mother the same way...by doing those things for her which she did not do well for herself....kinda paints her as a responsible teen, and sets up the necessary perception of her maturity and abnormality enough to believe that a 100 year old vamp could fall for her in the first place...she is an "old soul".)
• And finally, Bella is pretty freaking helpless...she is ALWAYS getting hurt...always stumbling and falling on something...ALWAYS in need of rescuing, as a result of her humanity, they are foils....she is weak and frail compared to Edward's strength in all matters but her. (until of course, you get to the end of the saga...something that those people who are carping on Twilight never seem to do or to factor into their arguments WHEN they do...and don't worry, I won't spoil things for you, my non-reading little movie-holics!!!)

So why do I, little feminist troll that I am and can be, love this series soooooooo much?

BECAUSE SOMETIMES, EVEN I WANT THINGS TO BE SIMPLE.

And it is really as simple as that.

Look Feminists...you are my brothers and sisters in the fight...but let me give you a reality check:

IN REAL LIFE...

1. CAN women have sex with a guy because we have sexual needs, just as he does? YES.

Do we get TIRED of every guy wanting to get into our pants at first opportunity without knowing or caring to know anything about us? YES!!!

2. CAN women go out and do or be anything we want to be, INCLUDING caregivers to our families? YES

Even when we work, do we end up with most of the household and child care duties anyway when we get married? YES...stop fronting...you KNOW we do!

Is being a caregiver to a family, wife to a husband, mother to a child enough for SOME WOMEN? YES...now get the hell OVER that shit! Too many of us preach to girls that they can be all they want to be without remembering that some of them may simply WANT TO BE domestic...and Myers is right....feminism is about giving them the CHOICE to do so.

3. AM I badass enough to deal with any situation that comes my way? YES.

Should I HAVE to if I have a man...AN ADMITTEDLY STRONGER PARTNER around? HELL NO.

Feminism preaches self-sufficiency for women so hard that men have forgotten that they have a role in things too...you don't believe me? Ask a room full of male teens what would happen if they heard a sound downstairs in the middle of the night while sleeping next to their wives...and SEE how many of them WOULDN'T go check on that shit. In all your feminism, is that REALLY the kind of guy you want for your daughter? I think not.

I won't even ADDRESS some of the other ridiculous BS I read (okay, just this one...stuff like Myers being racist because the vampires call the WEREWOLF Quileutes "mongrels"...ummm in damn near vamp story written, werewolves are the natural enemies of vampires, and need I remind you, they DO turn into wolves???)

So come now feminist, BE REAL....

1. Actually thinking about the things you read and watch is wonderful...over analyzing it to support or find hidden enemies to your own ideology is....a waste of time for all involved.

2. If you are going to analyze the series, a better place for your energy would be to analyze two things: 1. Bella's overall change as a character, AND 2. the SERIOUS changes in Bella that are taking place as the saga moves from book to movie....(something I hope Dr. Aragon addresses in the book I hear she will be writing on the subject of Twilight.)

3. There are repercussions in the world as a result of feminism, and the popularity of the old stereotypes and roles are a direct reflection of what is happening...you should take heed as you go forward in the future....

• Women and men NEED EACH OTHER.
• Girls WANT love, as much as they want independence, and they should be able to have BOTH.
• Women don't want to get so strong that we become "the man" in the relationship, instead of individuals finding a set of roles and responsibilities in a partnership that WORKS FOR THEM.
• And women want masculine love and affection, the same way that men want feminine love and affection...and realizing that is what equality is all about...so don't trip!

So relax, use Twilight to begin meaningful discussions with your daughters about these issues, and leave the drama and romance filled, yet chaste teen angst alone...

Look on the bright side: the girls are reading, JOIN ALONG, ACTUALLY FINISH THE DAMN SAGA AND THEN talk to them about it, and stop the hate.

(Cyber) Waves of Fury: The Infamous "Man Cave"

Today, there were two articles that caught my attention on Yahoo Insider. One link was entitled, "Secrets of the Ultra-Fancy Man Cave", and the other was dubbed "The Rise of the Mom Cave".

It seems as though the mere concept of a "mom cave" has whipped men online into a fury, replete with cries of "take back your manhood for your sons!" and "how selfish and petty can you women be?!"

Although I didn't always agree with the way they expressed the sentiment, I, surprisingly even to myself, tend to agree with them.

I have my qualms with "man caves". I don't think that every man should have one by virtue of his dick. I think they should be earned. Man caves should go to the men who take care of business, i.e. they spend enough time with wife and family (sans nagging, bitching, and moaning), and have already provided that cash so his wife can create a space where the family can relax together, as well as entertain friends and visiting relatives. THAT man...has earned a man cave.

Now, the guy sitting on his ass in the family room while the entire household falls apart around him? That guy deserves nothing.

But as for this new phenomenon, the woman cave?

I call bullshit. Bullshit...Bullshit...BULLSHIT!

And this is me...with every feminist bone in my body humming in agreement. Why? Read on!

#1 We Really Do Have the Rest of the House!

I think sometimes women are "so busy fighting that we don't realize when we have won the war". I don't know too many guys ultra hung up on decorating. I have see quite a few houses where I walked in and I had to question whether or not a man lived there. Doesn't this say that the rest of the house, is indeed, firmly in the domain of the feminine? I dunno...perhaps your experience differs from mine.

#2 Man Cave = ZERO Fights Over Sharing Space in the Rest of the House

A man having a man cave means that there is no fighting over what is going to go on the "big tv" in the family room during football season (or whatever your man's choice of sport might be). Take that shit down to the man cave!

You want to watch the marathon of Rocky on Spike TV with no commercial breaks? MAN CAVE!

Poker with the guys? MAN CAVE

New Madden just come out...you guys wanna play it? MAN CAVE

And while he is in the man cave, you have the REST of the damn house, doing whatever the hell you want to do with it! And when he is finished playing with the boys, he will be ready and waiting to play with you!!!

THINK, SISTERS, THINK!

I know what some of my feminist sisters might be saying...what about the aspect of the "cave" being an area of PERSONAL SPACE? That's why you have a SEPARATE BEDROOM.

#3 You Have Your Own Space...It's Wherever You Want it to Be!

The only difference between a "man cave" and a woman's bedroom (or any other area of the house you choose to make distinctly feminine) is a set of automatic guidelines and ground rules for usage. At any point in time, a woman can set those into place without proclaiming the space to be a "woman/mom cave/space", thereby evoking the previously described panic from the man in her life. If you know that you watch "Desperate Housewives" (or The Simpsons lol) and don't want to be disturbed as you watch your damn show, go to the area you have designated (and decorated) as your own, and let that shit be known!

We sometimes don't know the power we have...and in our quest to make everything appear equal on it's face, we can mess up a good thing.

(not that it matters much, but) I say let that man alone, and let his ass have his "man cave". It would probably go a long way towards making him feel as though you respect him as a man, and his right to be a man, and all that shit. Besides...if you make it nice enough...there is NOTHING saying that you can't play a game of Spades or two with your girls while sipping drinks from the bar...when his ass ain't lookin'!

This has been a Smoothie Queen PSA

Why didn't [He] Get Married?

Recently, I rented the movie Prince of Persia. The main character in the film, Prince Dastan, was a fearless man who leaps without hesitation from buildings with only the strength of his grip and his excellent sense of timing to keep him safe from sudden death. In fact, the only time he shows any kind of trepidation in the entire movie is when he is confronted with the idea of marriage. In this, I believe art to imitate life perfectly . To put it bluntly, men are just plain afraid of marriage. I think there are quite a few reasons for this fear of commitment. Also, when it comes to Black men, I believe these reasons are simply amplified due to problems in and cultural/"cultural" aspects of our community.

REASON #1 - FEAR OF FAILURE

Since all the other reasons tie into this one, I would be stupid to list anything else first. It seems to me, that while women strive to GET married, men strive to STAY married. That's not to say that women don't want to stay married too; I just think that sometimes we tend to look at the marriage more like a goal/finishing line than a commitment binding a healthy (or not so healthy) relationship to continue supposedly till death. Typically, if men have any reason whatsoever to think that the person they are with is not that long-sought-after "ONE", they will not get married. Men are pickier than women when it comes to who they plan to "have to deal with" for the rest of their lives. While MANY women avoid seeing our men for who they are and tend to secretly (or not so secretly) believe that we can "change" or "mold" a man into something we can co-exist with, men assume that the person he is dealing with now is who she will be, and if there is any change, it will be FOR THE WORST. Only the woman who consistently makes life better/easier for him will even be considered. Actually, I think more of us should adopt their way of thinking as it would lead to less heartache on our end and a lower divorce rate.

REASON #2 - THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH

Soooo...the inevitable happens, and you get married, stay married for two, three, five, fifteen years and get divorced. The courts are set up to help women in divorce. During a divorce, a man has to pay to help maintain a lifestyle for a woman he is gaining no benefit from, and in fact, is probably on bad terms with. As a woman, I tend to remember that he is typically providing this lifestyle for the children, who shouldn't have to suffer because of the divorce.* AND since this is from the female perspective, I have NO PROBLEM quoting the song, "Its Cheaper to Keep Her".

*I believe that there are many good men who remember this as well...and want to take care of their children. But there are also quite a few men who forget about this shit, and experience a kind of emotional disconnection from their children when they get a divorce from their wives.

REASON #3 - THEY DON'T HAVE TO

I almost listed this one first...as this is the one that women tend to think about the most when pressuring delicately broaching the subject of marriage with a man. It is the idea that if you don't insist upon marriage, the man will be more than willing to continue a relationship that IS a marriage, for all intents and purposes, without giving you "your" day and his last name, and thereby risking the aforementioned. The fact that living together is not only accepted but is in some ways more common than marriage gives men very little reason to take that walk down the aisle. Black men who are already struggling or (for some) enjoying their success* have even less incentive when, according to statistics, the trend is for them NOT to get married.

* I will admit; often I have heard unmarried men say that they are waiting for the day when they are financially and emotionally ready for a relationship. Are they being honest with themselves and me when they say this? Who's to say?

REASON #4 - MANY OF THEM DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING

From a female perspective, the benefits of marriage (financial, physical, and emotional/spiritual) are revealed to us damn near since birth. Many times, women are brainwashed trained from girlhood to long for the roles of wife and mother and plan for them as a part of our future. Relatively speaking, a divorced woman is more likely to speak badly about men than about marriage itself. However, from a YOUNG age, many men only hear about marriage itself in a negative light. You don't often hear a man gushing over how wonderful his wife/relationship is, because that is not considered to be masculine. At most, you might hear a man tell his boy enough to reveal that he is happy and there is little to no drama. Especially in the media-driven version of Black culture these days, the image of masculinity is one who is virile and desirable to women, yet flaunts the fact that he is unattached emotionally. In the past, marriage was a GOAL rather than something to be avoided like the plague. These days, the deep benefits of marriage seem to be a secret that only women, married men, and some of the single men raised in two-parent households share.

REASON #5 - THE ONES WHO DO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE MISSING DO NOT YET FEEL READY TO FULFILL "THE ROLE" (OR CAN'T FIND SOMEONE "TRADITIONAL" ENOUGH TO PLAY THE TRADITIONAL WIFE)

This reason has two problems embedded in it.

One is simple: A good, yet immature man will balk at the level of commitment, responsibility, and sacrifice that marriage entails. He's a good man, so he wants to do it right; but he feels he is not ready for that yet. Perhaps he must grow up on his own; perhaps the right woman will compel that growth in him; who is to say? I think if I knew the answer to this one, I wouldn't be single.

The other is more complex: These days, generally speaking, the role of a husband has shifted, and therefore, can be very confusing. Our pictures of marriages that last forever are OLD pictures, made from seeing what our grandparents and great-grandparents did. Carving out new relationship patterns and gender roles is simply more difficult than trying to find someone to fit into the "successful" one you already have in mind, especially when you are looking to maintain a feeling of control in, and to an extent over the relationship.

Well, these are my reasons, again....more from THIS female's perspective. Ladies, if you have any to add, please do so. Gentlemen, if I got something wrong, feel free to point it out.

Thanks for reading!

Mind Reader...an excerpt

His hips moved back and forth, rhythmically. The beats his pounding must have been leaving against her walls were intoxicating. Five short hard thrusts, followed by two slow deep ones. We could all smell her arousal building to a climax, and the scent called a response from our own. I touched my pussy, impatient, horny, and pleasantly surprised. It had been awhile since I had wanted sexual stimulation this badly. It was like smelling a meal whose scent was appealing enough to make you hungry when you had already eaten. Sexual aides and masturbation was a part of life. Out of every ten boring, cookie cutter passerby on the street, at least seven of them were engaging in some sort of sexual escapade as they walked to and from their destinations…eyes glazed over, bodies buzzing with pheromones and endorphins, barely taking notice now. Immediate sexual gratification was now like satisfying a craving for nicotine. It’s true that people don’t always know what they want. I remember writing poetry about a reality like this one. Now, I am living my fantasies turned nightmare. The thing about making sexuality a perfectly accepted, normal part of a society is that, taken in the extreme, sex becomes as routine as everything else. So I enjoyed my impatience like the bitter part of a vintage wine…circa 2010, perhaps. Made from plump, juicy, naturally grown grapes somewhere in southern California.
Speaking of which….

His dick was long, thick, and in a word, juicy. I’m not really into the cheesy pornographic descriptions of body parts, but there was really no other way to describe it. On every stroke, his dick seemed like it was even more bursting with veins, even more ready to explode, even harder, even thicker. Frankly, he made me thirsty…quite a feat for a woman who doesn’t swallow. On top of this, his body itself was magnificent, of course. I tried not to think of the 300 pound butch dyke this avi was probably representing, and just focus on what I was looking at. Besides, you could usually tell Big Berthas from men. They were greedy with it. They fucked too hard, and often – actually usually – came too fast. In my youth women always assumed they were the more giving, emotionally in-tune gender. Well, I cry bullshit…at least, when it comes to sex. Big Berthas proved all that foolishness wrong. When you give women real dicks (or at least the feeling of having a real dick), the only thing they ever appear capable of considering during sex is their own nut. I could have told them so. I can’t believe I just paid 10 Ameros to join this fuckfest and I’m wasting my time analyzing the difference between the way men and butch dykes fuck!

Back to the dick you paid for, Michelle.

I watched him fuck the others in line before me in avid fascination. Or as avid as my mind ever gets, anyway. He must be incredible, as no one waits in lines anymore. For anything. Something capable of making several people participate in this ancient, practically pagan act of waiting in line had to be heavenly indeed. And he…was a god. I watched each woman’s face as she seemed to receive exactly what she had been thinking of. This one is biting her lips and grinding harder and harder into his pelvis. He put her on all fours, and savagely entwined his hands in her hair, wrenching her head back, digging into her cervix with every stroke. With the next woman, his movements were so gentle, that they barely appeared to be moving. I wondered for a second if he knew what he was doing as much as I had assumed, but then his barely perceptible stroke appeared to get deeper, and she cried out as a long stream of cum ran down their legs. She held onto him with her waning strength, her nails digging into his shoulder. He kissed her on the forehead and rolled his weight off her. She remained on the round surface as it rolled away. Before the silent door closed, I could see the bouncers pull her into the recovery room. Ahh, five star service.

I looked back in time to do a double take, as he spat in a girl’s mouth, pulled her up by her throat to kiss her, then grasped the back of her head, pushing it down to ram her waiting, drooling mouth onto his dick. She moaned in pleasure while sucking a huge load from him. All the while, he stared into her eyes as he said the most unspeakable things to her. It was hard to believe that I was watching the same man fuck all of these different women. Hard to fathom that one man could be capable of so many different styles. Part of it was that I wasn’t sure how he was determining how to approach these women sexually.

The one he had treated so gently, I would have mistaken for dominatrix. Covered with leather, stiletto boots, all she appeared to be missing was the whip. The one whose hair he had pulled with such ferocity and abandon seemed like an everything-in-its-place housewife. The one who he had berated as she sucked him off was dressed as a high power executive…complete with the designer pantsuit and shoes and the premier salon spray starched helmet of shiny, glossy hair.

Out of all of these women, I tried to pick out what he liked so that I could leave an impression. But there was no evidence of that at all. Each time, he was totally focused on giving what each woman appeared to want the most, if their reactions were to be believed, that is. I started to fantasize that I would change all that. With me, I would be the one paying attention to giving him exactly what he wanted. The secret, or not so secret desire to be the best someone has ever had seems to be something these over-stimulated youths have evolved out of. But, in this new world my world had turned into, old habits still die hard.

To be continued...(but probably not here)

On Turning 30 2: Love for Love's Sake

In college, philosophy was a required course. As the class progressed, we learned the basic tenets of several philospical viewpoints, among which was Buddhism. At the time, this particular viewpoint made no sense to me. The BASIC of the BASIC...Noble Truths that is...says -

THE FOUR NOBLE TRUTHS:

All is suffering (dukkha).
Suffering is caused by desire/attachment.
If one can eliminate desire/attachment, one can eliminate suffering.
The Noble Eight-fold Path can eliminate desire. Extremes of excessive self-indulgence (hedonism) and excessive self-mortification should be avoided.

- The more accurate, yet complex version can be found here.

LOL...I remember sitting in that classroom at the ripe old age of 18 () thinking that this idea had to be the craziest I had ever run across. Hormones raging, still buzzed from my first taste of freedom, and you mean to tell me that you think DESIRE is the root of all suffering? Really? Didn't make sense AT ALL. My classmates and I were however quite fascinated with the ideas found in Hedonism.

Back in class my main question had to do with LOVE...how is one supposed to LOVE under such a philosophy as Buddhism? It seemed to me that desire and attachment had to be part of the package.

Makes sense right?

I desire another person, and hopefully, he desires me the same way...
I open myself to another person to the point where he can affect my emotions, and consider myself wise to have done so if he affects them positively and I can affect his the same way...
The relationship is good; I hope things will stay this way/I hope things will last....

Yet, even at its best, these are bound to end in disappointment:

Either the person will walk away physically, or he/she will walk away spiritually "into the clearing where his/her path ends" doya kennit? (Sorry too much Stephen King. Join me if you dare )

What I am just beginning to understand is that these attitudes demonstrate a DESIRE to control the circumstances of one's love life...and an ATTACHMENT to the way things are (or in some cases, how we THINK they are).

As YET AGAIN I semi-obsessively think of my recent past, I realize that when love goes wrong, it is not the person I miss so much...hell...if it was so great...it would still be going on.

And even when the next one of quality and substance is annoyingly slow to arrive, there are always distractions...of many varieties. <~ Yeah, I suppose Hedonism still has its uses...

As Nazty would say, BIG ASS BUT...

A. In the end, they are just that - DISTRACTions and....
B. The underlying cause of PAIN is still there...distraction or not.

It is the pain caused by DESIRE...and ATTACHMENT.

It is pain caused by an aversion to CHANGE...

And dammit, it is the pain caused by a lack of CONTROL.

(I think what annoys me now the most is knowing that it doesn't matter to an ex whether or not you ever talk to him/her again...going from extreme relevance to total irrelevance is absolutely infuriating! But what can you do? Change happens, ya know? )


Pure love...the love I should be seeking to cultivate is one that is aware of the REALITY that these changes will occur, yet is strong enough not to care. The fact that this change is inevitable is not to be taken personally...only as a matter of traversing the terrain of life. Easy to THINK you have mastered (believe me...at one point in time I thought I was there...) Harder to ACTUALLY get.

Love for love's sake is the key...and though I have NO inclination whatsoever to become a Buddhist, at least now nearing 30, I finally understand how one can love.

Sonnet 14 - If Thou Must Love Me, Let It Be For Nought

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love’s sake only. Do not say
‘I love her for her smile—her look—her way
Of speaking gently,—for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day’—
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee,—and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity’s wiping my cheeks dry,—
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love’s sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love’s eternity.




You can say that again, Liz. 

On Turning 30....Part 1

Sooo, on July 5, 2010, at exactly 2:00 a.m., I will have officially been on this planet 30 years....in this lifetime, anyway. There are things that I have figured out, and things that I am still processing...but this blog series is not about that. This series is about the shit that I KNOW. Its not a fount of knowledge; just my personal truths... How things are...as I see them. Differ if you like, comment if you want...or not. Hell, so far, only one person reads this shit, and he will probably disagree with most of it. LMAO

But hey....it is what it is.

That being said, here is

The Dirty 30: Part 1 - LIES

There is a plethora of knowledge that is shared by the infamous and all-knowing "THEY". The knowledge from this "THEY" permeates every facet of our society, encouraging group thought, and discouraging, through sheer arrogance, the idea that the School of Hard Knocks is a GOOD THING...in essence, discouraging us to, as Zora puts it in my favorite book, Their Eyes Were Watching God, "find out about living for [ourselves]." Well, anyone who knows me knows that I am SERIOUSLY stubborn and SERIOUSLY hard-headed, so....I went down to that School of Hard Knocks and got myself a diploma in a few subjects - one of which is -

FAMOUS LIES THAT TURNED OUT TO BE
UTTER BULLSHIT!!!

1. Always be honest in long term relationships.
This is that bullshit! Now, don't get me wrong; your partner should be able to TRUST you...to KNOW that you have his/her best interests at heart in all matters. But, by NO stretch of the imagination should "honesty be the best policy" when you are in a relationship...at least, not if you want to stay in one for long. Look around...the young folks are shaking their heads at how "jaded" and "untrustworthy" I sound; the old folks are nodding in agreement. I will take my (platinum) membership card in the club of grown ass fuckin woman now, thank you very much! And you young mufukas...keep livin dammit!

2. If you make you passion your job, you will never work a day in your life.

Poppycock! No matter what you do, no matter how much you LOVE what you do, WORK IS WORK, and PLAY IS PLAY. Now, if you choose what you LOVE to do as your job, you will never just DRAG yourself to work wishing that a bus would run your ass over right before crossing the threshhold into your building, but WORK IS WORK IS WORK, and there is no way around that shit. WORK HARD, PLAY HARD, LIVE WELL, NO REGRETS (but not really; there are always a few) and that is LIFE.

3. The only constant in life is change.
Who comes up with this garbage? Yeah, things in life change...but the BIG changes...the ones you WANT to happen, the ones in yourself...towards your goals and dreams, you have to MAKE happen. Outside of factors beyond your control, you can CHOOSE to live the same damn weeks, months, and years for the rest of your life...if you CHOOSE not to KEEP THAT SHIT MOVING! The only thing is: 1. While you are sitting/standing still people around you will be moving, and 2. Every once in awhile, something/someone will come along and move your cheese.


4. There is someone for everyone.
It pains me to type that one more than the reader of this blog could ever know...more than you, dear eventual reader (if you are even out there) could ever possibly fathom. I see people doing all kinds of things out of desperation and lonliness...bitterness and fatigue with being trapped inside the den of their own unshared, unmoved emotions far too long ALL THE TIME. THESE LOST SOULS ARE EVERY WHERE. In fact, it is my personal opinion that they cause the most misery in the world...they comprise most of the world's "hater" population. Where is the person for them? Where is the person for me?

I am sure that this shit is rather long, but it will become longer still...the next time I run into a lie that "THEY" say; I might be back...or not.

Thanks for reading...whoever you are.

What's in a Title?

I am not entirely convinced that I will ever be married. I say this not because I am one of those jaded people who believes that it is pointless to get married in the first place, OR that there are "no good men out there", but because I have a definition of marriage which demonstrates a mix of some seemingly rare old-fashioned values, as well as some relatively unorthodox new age values, especially among Black men.

For some reason, I am still stubbornly holding on to the concept of marrying a Black man...but that is another blog I suppose I will write when/if I finally wave the white flag on the idea. :-/

Anywho, I don't want to be in a 15 year relationship in which I have "shacked up" with a man, had his children, and mingled our credit together, yet I still don't bear his last name (hyphenated or otherwise LMAO...just kidding...probably not hyphenated...I'm not all that attached to my last name).

I still believe marriage to be a legitimate institution, just not the way that most people do it these days, and to a certain extent, not the way that it has been done in the past....That being said, here is a blog response from Myspace on the matter.

A fellow blogger basically asked the question, "Does THE TITLE of "wife" trump "happiness" in importance when it comes to relationships? Would you stay with a man who made you happy, even though you weren't married?"

This was my answer:

The problem (as I see it, IMHO) has to do with the fact that these days THE TITLE doesn't mean what it is supposed to mean. Above and beyond "happiness" THE TITLE is SUPPOSED to imply/indicate a deep, mental, spiritual and emotional commitment...through good times and bad...no matter what we have to wade through, with faith in God, ourselves, and our love:

A. We WILL do it TOGETHER
B. We WILL remain together for the sake of raising a STRONG (BLACK) FAMILY
C. No matter how much we argue, fuss, fight, etc. when it comes down to it, we have each others' backs....

Really, its all about the level of loyalty to your partner, and how much you are willing to stake on that loyalty.

The TITLE is SUPPOSED to indicate a place of importance and respect...a place of honor, for both man and woman. It is a man honoring the woman's wish for STABILITY and SECURITY by "officially" AND legally uniting OURSELVES as well as our efforts, and reputation - credit, family name, all THAT good shit. It is also a MAN taking his place as a man, since many men like the idea of SUBMISSION from the Black female , WITH EVERYTHING THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT. Guys typically amen a speaker/blogger on wanting a woman to submit; y'all gotta pay the cost to be the boss, right? Come on now!

*Sidenote: Personally, I like the idea of marriage as PURE partnership itself, indicating total equality....but that's another blog for another day that I have written too many times on Myspace. I am done preaching that particular gospel.*

The trouble comes in when people hop that broom without understanding what THE TITLE means. First, and above all else I have said, it means love (I'm DEFINITELY NOT the Bible thumping mofo around these parts, as there are many things in there I disagree with, but the definition in Corinthians pretty much covers what I mean by that, as far as spiritual principles go). It means an understanding that we will be together through the times when HAPPINESS is running a little low...cause sometimes you gotta work at that shit...and if it never rained, you wouldn't appreciate the sunshine. The kind of love you have to cultivate to stay married is the kind that endures through all...that unconditional shit. I love you...PERIOD.

Now, that is not to say that people can not do this in a long-term, live-in committed, yet unmarried relationship...but that is to say that when you stand before your family, friends, and last but not least GOD and declare as a grown man or woman this is what you will do, this is who you will be, and this is what your relationship is supposed to be about, IT MEANS SOMETHING.

There is a difference between a marriage just plain not working because either or both parties have NO REAL COMMITMENT to each other, and one that is not working due to issues that need to be addressed and compromised on...in my opinion, the divorce rate is so high because people are not always willing to BE that committed in the first place, and they don't always demonstrate an understanding of the fact that being married is a decision you make every day, and you have to WORK at it to keep it going.

I am not just PRO marriage, but I would definitely not say don't worry about marriage if you are happy, because if you are really happy in and committed to that relationship, then that relationship deserves its proper title.

My $ .02